Microsoft Access 97 Portable Patched -

You expect form/report printing to work.
You plan to run it as a production database server.
You value security (Access 97 has zero modern mitigations for injection or buffer overflows).
You have the source code and can rewrite the app in Python, .NET, or modern Access.

File Size: Roughly 15-30 MB for a compressed version (modern thrived installers are tiny).
No Installer: You unzip a folder, double-click msaccess.exe, and it runs.
Jet Database Engine: It must include the Jet 3.5 database engine DLLs (like msjt3032.dll and msrd2x35.dll).

: He designed forms right there in the trailer, dragging text boxes onto a grid while hammers pounded outside.